So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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