Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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