My liver just broke up with me...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
