You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
do nipples grow back?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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