Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
