It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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