fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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