he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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