I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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