Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It's blow job season.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
