the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
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i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
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Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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