I puked a lego.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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