Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
