Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
