My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
