Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
