its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
