im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
