um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
