How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
