I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
