Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
