Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
