my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
