before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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