So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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