I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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