k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
