i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
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This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
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We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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