i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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