how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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