i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
