He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
