i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
