my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
