Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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