is your mom at the bar?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
