Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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