either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
