I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
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My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
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There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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