Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
