wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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