She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
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he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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