Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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