My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
