I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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