Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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