Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
