Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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