she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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