She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
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Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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