Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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