Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.