I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
