You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
