My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
