You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
