I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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